I have that strange feeling inside my chest.
The kind I usually have when I feel nervous,
the same feeling I always get when the plane takes off and leaves a ground
and I have to close my eyes a little and breathe deeply. Then I am good.
However today it’s not just the enjoyable adernaline that comes with flying,
but it’s also a tumult of emotions that I would rather not to feel.
I snuggle up into my sweater and rest my head on my knees and out of the small window I watch all the lights of night London diminish.
I am flying home where I don’t want to go.
Tears rolling down my face and I immediately tell myself to stop, even though the tears are more than valid now.
Even when I am actually happy and my heart and soul are full of love, I feel so broken at the same time.
Besides you I am accidently leaving myself too and that part of myself who I was there.
Even I want to take this part of me to home also.
Don’t know and don’t expect anything frome home and from myself.
Trying to don’t think about what’s going to happen then.
And trying to not live just with how it was. Or how it will be.
Floating through time, in the middle of the sky, day became night.
I am everywhere and nowhere in the same time.
I try to close my eyes, calm my messy thoughts and take some rest, but it seems impossible now.
My eyes are full of tears again.
I wish I could curl up and hide in those arms that made me feel so safe.
To hear and get know that everything’s gonna be alright.
And that nothing is wrong and everything is okay.
And that I am gonna make it (at home)
(with myself)
(without you)
- and not without me. That’s my biggest fear.
